Weeding The Garden: Identifying Relationships To Eliminate

I know there are 9 bridesmaids pictured.
2 of them are my sisters so they don't count. LOL!

I don't know why I hear so many women say they have a hard time staying friends with women. I have a rack of close friends that I've accumulated over the years. For example: I had 7 bridesmaids in my wedding when I was 27. I was close with all of them. I am still close with all of them. If I were to get married again at 37, I'd probably have a few more.....like 15 total. I don't know. Maybe I'm a friend hoarder. LOL!

Now, of course, a few weeds made their way into my garden but I weed often, so they didn't last long. 

Characteristics Of Weeds

1. Negative energy. 
Sometimes it's hard to read energy. I have become more in tuned with my intuition as I have matured. I decide if a relationship is worth building just like I run a business or a laboratory, hire and fire quickly. Relationships with history can be mended but if someone is shady or doing people close to them wrong, it's only a matter of time before you're the victim. *DELETE* I wish you well but I don't want that around me. I work too hard to attract love and light into my life.

2. Haters/Frienemy. 
These people are always watching what you're doing. Instead of congratulating you or celebrating

you, they know someone who is doing better or they go out of their way to "one up" you. These people also find a way to point out the smallest flaw. They don't do it in love either. They don't want you to think to highly of yourself. NOPE! *DELETE* What is for me is for me. If you are not happy for me, go over there and be sad away from me.

3. Never shows up. 
When I say "show up", I mean physically and just to have someone to talk to. When a relationship

gets to the point where it's not adding value to your life, then it's time to end it. Quickly. I am a giving person, but I also need love too. One sided relationships have no place in the Fancy Life. *DELETE*

4. Makes every situation about them. 
When you realize that everything isn't about you, it's so much easier not to take things personally. You definitely don't get offended. I just don't want to be around insecure people. The last thing I don't want to do is start being paranoid, thinking everyone is talking about me or doesn't like me for one odd reason or another. It's way too stressful. I ain't got time for extra stress in my life. I don't attend pity parties. *DELETE*

5. Doesn't invite you. 
They half ass show up to your events and when they have something they "thought you were busy" or "wouldn't be interested". The truth is, they didn't want you there. When you shine, some people don't want you around their people because they don't want you to out shine them OR, now lean in and read this closely, they don't want you around the people they talk shit about you to. You know, to show those people the the truth about you. Not interested. *DELETE*

A couple of new flowers. No weed zone.

When you realize that someone in your life is displaying one, some or ALL of these characteristics, CUT THEM OUT of your life!!! And I do not care who they are to you. NO ONE IS EXEMPT! People spend a lifetime coping with family issues and the like. So if you realize that one of the weeds in your life is your parent, sibling, cousin, best friend from kindergarden, whomever it may be, if they are no longer adding value to your life, you will be better off without them. Trust me. I have real life example.

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Dating in 2017

 Now, I preface this blog by saying that I have no idea what it's like to date for a potential mate. I know what it's like to date my husband but not the whole meet someone new, get to know them, spend time with them, so on and so forth. But I will say that it is possible to meet someone in 2017, date, fall in love and get married. Why? Well, because I see so many women getting engaged and married in 2017. Proof is in the pudding, right?

Now, what you are about to read might hurt your feelings but it needs to be said. Your grandmother told you. Your mama prolly tells you. And here I am, Fancy, telling you. Get your shit together and you will attract a good man that is right for you. And, no, I'm not talking about your degrees, credit, home ownership, retirement plan. I mean, you need that to be together too but I'm talking about your shit in between your head. All that baggage you're carrying around between your ears. Get that together. Make self care your first priority because if you aren't all the way together, you will attract someone who will take advantage of you. Plus, you don't want to be bringing a mess into a relationship anyway.

How do you get your shit together? GO TO THERAPY!!! Figure out where your trust issues come from and fix it. Figure out why you're so defensive and can never be wrong, then fix it. Figure out why you're a pushover even when you know you're being taken advantage of....and fix it. If you don't have any of the above issues, I'm sure you will discover something to work on when you GO TO THERAPY!

Trust me. I want you to win. I want you to be happy. I want to you have the desires of your heart. You cannot do that if you don't concur yourself. I started going to talk to a therapist in 2013 when my husband asked me why I was so "cold". At first I was defensive. Then I told him I didn't know. Then I started crying. Then I found a therapist. LOL! Therapy is going to be tough at first but then it gets easier as you fix your issues and learn healthy ways to adjust in life. I did and all of my relationships improved. 

Once you get yourself together, you'll be able to pinpoint exactly what you want in a romantic relationship. As with anything, if you don't know exactly what you want, you're will be an easy sell on pretty much anything. And by anything, I mean the man you keep dating that aren't right for you and won't do right by you. Make a list. Be specific. Pray for that man. Pray and trust. Continue to worry about yourself. Jehovah will lead your man to you while you're out and about being great. Do not, I repeat, do NOT go seeking a man. Make yourself available, because, well, he can't find you if you're in the house, but do not seek him out. Men need to pursue. They are competitive by nature. They need to feel like they won the prize. You are the prize.

Now, when I was single, I did not have a problem getting a date or keeping a man. Here are some tips on what Fancy would do when she was single:

1. Never take a man's phone number. If he is REALLY interested, he will ask for a way to get in contact with you. If he offers his number, you may take it to be polite but do not call him. He ain't no good for you, girl. 
2. Make him plan for you. After all, you are very busy, like Nene, being great. If he does not call you at least 3 days in advance to take you out, you are unavailable. Period. "Awwww man. That sounds lovely but I already have something on my calendar that day." Even if it's binge watching House of Cards. You are VERY BUSY!
3. Practice dating. That means, any man who is respectful, shows interest and makes plans. Let him take you out. I repeat. LET HIM TAKE YOU OUT! You never know the kind of jewel he is. If it turns out that there just isn't any chemistry, you've practiced how to behave so you won't act a plum fool when you someone you actually like asks you on a date.
4. Listen with your mouth closed. Ask questions. Be interested. Don't talk so much. It makes you look self centered. 
5. Have realistic expectations. No man is perfect. If he passes you're "non-negotiables" test, let him live. Once you're in a relationship, love him for who he is. Do not beat him up for who he is not. Let's face it, you aren't perfect either. We are all a work in progress.

My husband and I have been together since 2003. We have grown up together. We have matured together. This relationship thang ain't easy but we make it work because we love each other. However, if something should happen to him and I decided to date again. I would take my own advice. It worked to get him and it worked to keep him. 

Fancy and Husband
Photo Credit: Kyle Pompey

What Do Your Friendships Say About You?

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Birds of a feather do indeed flock together. If you spend a lot of time with someone, eventually their
habits will rub off on you. Make sure the habits are good ones. Are you surrounded by motivated, positive people? Are you the most successful person in your circle? It is common for people to become complacent with where they are or just accept their current circumstances. It is also common for people to want more out of life but know that their circle of friends are holding her back. What does your role in friendships say about you?

The Ring Leader

You're the leader of the group. Everyone comes to you for advice. You're probably the most successful person in the group. Your whole group of friends cheer you on but they don't have much going on for themselves. Does this make you feel good about yourself? Feeding your ego is fine but having a large ego doesn't do much for personal growth. In order to reach your true potential, you should want to grow, which means you may out grow your circle. Growing pains are normal but need humility so that you can take in knowledge as you expand the network of people you interact with.

The Charity Case

You and your friends are always on a mission to find the "hook up". There is no effort to do things for yourself. A ride. A loan. A shoulder to cry on. Someone to vent to. A recommendation for a new job. Always looking for a way to get over instead of a way to triumph. There is nothing wrong with needing help but try finding your own resources before you ask to use someone elses. Surprisingly, people are more willing to help you when they see you helping yourself. You can do it. You don't need hand outs, you just need to believe in yourself.

The Bad Seed

You encourage each other to do the wrong things. Spend money on things that aren't in budget. Go out partying when you have to wake up early in the morning. Call out of work when you're not sick. Lying to get what you want. Most of the activities involve a flaw in morals. Doing the right thing does not give instant gratification but it does build character. Finding true, long-lasting success requires hard work and strong character.

The Debbie Downer

No matter what the situation, you find something negative to say about it. You hardly ever point out the silver lining during tough times. It's almost as if you don't want others happiness or success. Unfortunately, misery loves company. Perhaps invest in working on happiness. It will help you be able to see the good in situations and offer more words of encouragement. You will be a better friend.

The reality is, health relationships are symbiotic. You should not give more than you take or vice versa. If you surround yourself by four unmotivated adults, you indeed will be the fifth one. If there is even one of the following types of people in your immediate circle of influence, it will spill over on to everyone else.

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Friendship - When To End A Friendship

Personal growth is a normal part of life. We become aware of areas in our own lives that need improvement. We also start noticing behaviors in others that are not in line with our own growth. People grow at their own pace. Don't try to force your own goals on someone else. At the same time, being in around people who do not have similar goals can stunt your own growth. Sometimes, loving someone from a distance is the best thing you can do for yourself and the other person. Here are some examples.

4 Types Of Relationships To Distance Yourself From

1. They always need something.

Relationships should add value to your life, not drain you. If you have a friend that always needs something, back away slowly. They need to borrow money. They need a ride somewhere. They need you to do them a favor. They need you to babysit. The whole relationship is about what you can do for them. They have not added much of anything to your life. We all need each other but when you find that this person can't function without needing help from someone, it's time to stop being so accessible. Deal with them on your own terms from a distance.

2. Everything is about them.

In conversation, there is no concern about your feelings or life or anything to do with you. Even when you start talking about what's going on with you, they find a way to talk about themselves. When you are together, they make a point to redirect any focus or attention from you to them. When you ask them to do something, there is hesitation or they never follow through. When it comes to you, they have a reason why they can't support. Self absorbed people don't make good friends. Acknowledge that everyone isn't where you are and decrease the amount of time you spend with this type of person.

3. They have a problem for every solution.

Life is full of challenges. Sometimes we feel defeated. Negative people dwell in defeat and do not want to move forward. If your friend calls you upset, your natural response will be to try to help them find solutions. However, if this friends has a reason why they can't use solutions every time you offer one, no matter the situation, it's time to distance yourself. Not only can you not be helpful, this person does not want help. Save your breath, just listen to them vent but don't consume yourself with trying to help. Negative people don't want a solution, they don't want you bettering yourself either. If you want to continue on your path of becoming a better you, stay far away from problem finders.

4. The slightest misunderstanding sends them over the edge.

In any kind of relationship, misunderstanding is inevitable. If you have a relationship that is at risk of crumbling at the first sign of disagreement, move away. Emotionally unstable relationships cause unnecessary stress. Being able to speak your opinion openly is what makes friendships great. If someone wants to end their friendship with you because you don't agree with their opinion or perspective, let them end it. Staying away from stressful situations is better for your health and sanity.

Life reveals who is genuine and adding value to your life. It is important to recognize when a relationship is one-sided and does not add to your growth. As you travel on the path to greatness, surround yourself with people who want as much for themselves as you want for yourself. Do not feel bad about moving away from people who do not.

Fancy Free LLC. helps new people reach their personal and financial goals everyday. Contact us at 

(410) 929-0302 to schedule your complimentary consultation. 

Do I still have it?

While my husband lavishes me with as much attention as he can, I sometimes wonder if the recent lack of attention from the opposite sex if because I'm not as attractive as I was in my bachelorette days or the obvious sign that I'm married....the rings. So, every know and then I may flirt with a guy, just to see if I still have it. Totally innocent, I swear.
After a weekend with my very single younger cousins, I realized that I still have it! The lack of attention, well, I guess some men can be intimidated by the fact that I'm young, fun, fabulous, AND married. I discovered that the married part means that you REALLY have it going on 'cause someone has tied you down. LOL!
So, honey, if you ever read this...I was just checking. LOL!

Letting Go

It's important to realize that no matter how much you care about a person, when you feel like you are the only one who cares, let it go. It may hurt but open your eye to see the people around you that love you and concentrate on enjoying them and giving them the love they deserve instead of wondering what you did to make that one jerk treat you so badly.
Even though you may feel like you are losing someone, God has sent someone to replace the void you think will be there when you let go of the hurtful relationship. Enjoy what you have instead of trying to force something that isn't going to work out. You'll feel better about it in the end.
After all, God doesn't make mistakes and it is not our place to question. We must have faith and accept things as they are because honestly we may never know why and we are probably better off not knowing.

The Rules

I recently read a male friends blog on relationships and how he had given the ole' okie doke to his psuedo-girlfriend of 7 months with the excuse of "if it ain't broken, why fix it". There were several comments about how men should be honest with a woman if he is not interested in a committed relationship but no one pointed out how the woman could be at fault.
First of all, woman need to stop chasing and catering to men. Men like a challenge. It's a game to them. They want what is hardest for them to get. If you make it easy for them, they lose interest, quickly. It doesn't matter how pretty, succesful, smart, stylish, or fun you are. If you're easy access, forget about it. When I say easy, I don't mean that you are a slut. I mean, you are always available when he wants to talk to you or see you. You call him more than he calls you. You do all of the calling. You change your plans when he calls you at the last minute. Stick to your schedule. If you planned to chill at home, keep that plan. He should be finding a way to fit into your schedule, not the other way around, if he's interested. If he isn't, he'll move on, to your advantage. You don't want him wasting your time anyway.
You take anything he gives you as acceptable. For example, no birthday call or gift, no date for Valentine's Day, he's missing in action on Christmas, unaswered phone calls, unreturned messages, etc. You brush the hurt off and accept him with open arms without making him suffer consequences when he decides to come back around with no explanation. People in general, whether it be a male-female relationship or employee-employer relationship, are only going to do to you what you allow. As seen in the parent-child relationship, boundaries are tested and pushed until punishment is enforced. Not saying that you must punish people to get them to treat you right but you must draw the line at what is acceptable to you. After all, no one is going to care about you as much as you are. So, if you don't speak up for yourself, who will?
I realize that no one wants to be lonely, but accepting substandard behavior from your mate will probably leave you just as miserable as being single. You must first know what your needs are before you can know how you need to be love. Sure, any man can care for you and love you. But does he love you the way you need to be loved. Some women need to be wined and dined while others prefer walks in the park and picnics. If the one you are with is not meeting your needs, be woman enough to move on. On the flip side, everyone has there quirks and baggage. People don't change, so you must know when enough is enough. Are you willing to accept the good with the bad? Is the bad overshadowing the good?
Just my thoughts on dating and relationships. If you are unhappy in the relationship you are in, think about the changes you need to make before you try to change your mate. After all, you only have control over your actions so choose them wisely.