Dating in 2017

 Now, I preface this blog by saying that I have no idea what it's like to date for a potential mate. I know what it's like to date my husband but not the whole meet someone new, get to know them, spend time with them, so on and so forth. But I will say that it is possible to meet someone in 2017, date, fall in love and get married. Why? Well, because I see so many women getting engaged and married in 2017. Proof is in the pudding, right?

Now, what you are about to read might hurt your feelings but it needs to be said. Your grandmother told you. Your mama prolly tells you. And here I am, Fancy, telling you. Get your shit together and you will attract a good man that is right for you. And, no, I'm not talking about your degrees, credit, home ownership, retirement plan. I mean, you need that to be together too but I'm talking about your shit in between your head. All that baggage you're carrying around between your ears. Get that together. Make self care your first priority because if you aren't all the way together, you will attract someone who will take advantage of you. Plus, you don't want to be bringing a mess into a relationship anyway.

How do you get your shit together? GO TO THERAPY!!! Figure out where your trust issues come from and fix it. Figure out why you're so defensive and can never be wrong, then fix it. Figure out why you're a pushover even when you know you're being taken advantage of....and fix it. If you don't have any of the above issues, I'm sure you will discover something to work on when you GO TO THERAPY!

Trust me. I want you to win. I want you to be happy. I want to you have the desires of your heart. You cannot do that if you don't concur yourself. I started going to talk to a therapist in 2013 when my husband asked me why I was so "cold". At first I was defensive. Then I told him I didn't know. Then I started crying. Then I found a therapist. LOL! Therapy is going to be tough at first but then it gets easier as you fix your issues and learn healthy ways to adjust in life. I did and all of my relationships improved. 

Once you get yourself together, you'll be able to pinpoint exactly what you want in a romantic relationship. As with anything, if you don't know exactly what you want, you're will be an easy sell on pretty much anything. And by anything, I mean the man you keep dating that aren't right for you and won't do right by you. Make a list. Be specific. Pray for that man. Pray and trust. Continue to worry about yourself. Jehovah will lead your man to you while you're out and about being great. Do not, I repeat, do NOT go seeking a man. Make yourself available, because, well, he can't find you if you're in the house, but do not seek him out. Men need to pursue. They are competitive by nature. They need to feel like they won the prize. You are the prize.

Now, when I was single, I did not have a problem getting a date or keeping a man. Here are some tips on what Fancy would do when she was single:

1. Never take a man's phone number. If he is REALLY interested, he will ask for a way to get in contact with you. If he offers his number, you may take it to be polite but do not call him. He ain't no good for you, girl. 
2. Make him plan for you. After all, you are very busy, like Nene, being great. If he does not call you at least 3 days in advance to take you out, you are unavailable. Period. "Awwww man. That sounds lovely but I already have something on my calendar that day." Even if it's binge watching House of Cards. You are VERY BUSY!
3. Practice dating. That means, any man who is respectful, shows interest and makes plans. Let him take you out. I repeat. LET HIM TAKE YOU OUT! You never know the kind of jewel he is. If it turns out that there just isn't any chemistry, you've practiced how to behave so you won't act a plum fool when you someone you actually like asks you on a date.
4. Listen with your mouth closed. Ask questions. Be interested. Don't talk so much. It makes you look self centered. 
5. Have realistic expectations. No man is perfect. If he passes you're "non-negotiables" test, let him live. Once you're in a relationship, love him for who he is. Do not beat him up for who he is not. Let's face it, you aren't perfect either. We are all a work in progress.

My husband and I have been together since 2003. We have grown up together. We have matured together. This relationship thang ain't easy but we make it work because we love each other. However, if something should happen to him and I decided to date again. I would take my own advice. It worked to get him and it worked to keep him. 

Fancy and Husband
Photo Credit: Kyle Pompey

When The Time Is Right

I'm writing this for women who feel like it will never happen for them. When the time is right. It will happen. Work on your relationship. Work on yourself. Exercise. Eat right. Take your vitamins. Pray. Don't stress. Jehovah knows what's best.

My husband and I got married in 2007 after 4 years of dating. In retrospect, we were young and dumb. He was still in residency, I was still in school but we both knew that we were made for each other. The first four years of our marriage were TOUGH! Mostly due to selfishness and immaturity on both parts. What people don't tell you about getting married is that you don't automatically think like a wife or a husband right after you say "I do". There's no switch. You have to grow into those roles.
We had essentially been in a long distance relationship the entire 4 years that we dated. Even though DC and Baltimore aren't that far from each other, with his school schedule and my work and school schedule, the weekends or every other weekend was when we spent time together. The rest of the time was spent talking on the phone. No Facetime back then. LOL! Sometimes we went as long as 6 weeks with out actually seeing each other. Absence makes the heart grow fonder but you also don't realize how annoying someone can be when you aren't around them all the time.

My Role

I was I-N-D-E-P-E-D-E-N-T. I had purchased my home and maybe one investment property. I had a car. I was making decent money. I lived alone. I was used to coming and going as I pleased because I had no one to be accountable to. I liked things a certain way. The right
way. My way. I was brash and bossy. I was a caretaker. I did everything and did not expect him to help out around the house because he was working 80-100 hours per week. I handle all of his "business" without him asking for help. I did not allow any negative consequences so that he could figure stuff out on his own and learn.

His Role

He was "focused" on his career, which meant quality time with me was often neglected. If it came down to spending time with me doing something he didn't necessarily want to do or work/sleeping for work or softball, he had a habit of choosing something other than me. He did not offer to help me out around the house because usually it was taken care of. He ignored me when I fussed.

Delay In Kids

We never put our marital problems on blast. EVER! We worked on them in private. I'd joke when people asked me when we were gonna start a family and say "We gotta figure out if we like each other enough before we do alladat." or "With all these advances in medicine, I got until a smooth 40 before pregnancy becomes an issue. I got trips to take."
But the reality was, we had some things to work through before we jumped into adding even more stress, like a crying infant. LOL! We had to get our finances in order. People assume because you're in a certain tax bracket or have a certain career that your money is right. No. We had to learn to set a budget and stick to it. I had my way of doing things and he never had any financial responsibility. He had been in school from age 6 to 26. We had to learn how to communicate with each other. We had to perfect our roles on the team. He learned to do laundry and dishes. I folded, dried and put them away. We budgeted in a housekeeper for all the other things. I went to the grocery store. He carried bags and put groceries away. I handled the bills and communicated where we were. He made sure I had access to everything I needed. Most importantly, we went to marriage counseling. I'm not talking about going to sit with our pastor at church or a marriage ministry bible study, not that there is anything wrong with that. But we needed something a little more candid. I'm talking about a certified therapist, who gave us assignments and helped us really hear each other. Our therapist gave us a book to read that really helped us understand each other better, Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix, with the work book.
Once we went to therapy together, we were able to get to the root of "why" instead of focusing on the "what". Things were moving in the right direction but it still wasn't enough. Both of us had to do some work on ourselves, so still, to this day, we have regular individual therapy sessions. We have grown leaps and bounds....together. Once our communication improved, everything else improved. EVERYTHING.
We got our money right.  We traveled. We bought dumb stuff. Had regrets. We were finally able to got into our groove late into year 6.

The Plunge

Our marriage was on track. We had checked everything off of our bucket list from our 20s. We were in good places in our careers. We decided that we'd start trying for a baby in August 2015. August was ideal because we had a few trips in the summer and we wanted to be able to drink and do excursions. LOL! Although we are both healthy, it was still in the back of our minds that we were 35 years old and that we may encounter some difficulties getting pregnant now that we'd "done it right". You know, finished school, advanced our careers, traveled, enjoyed marriage, and THEN started a family.
We were both taking our vitamins, working out, eating right and so in July, we counted 14 days from the first day of my cycle and set the date to begin trying, August 1. At least twice a day, every other day for 7 days. We had fun. No stress.
I had some of my closest friends in town to celebrate my anniversary of birth, August 24, for the weekend.
Lots of food, fun, and sun. AND libations. Then it hit me, my period was supposed to come. So I took a test before they left. That thang turned positive within 30 seconds. I showed my husband. He high fived me, like I was a softball teammates. LOL! We had done it. The time was right. We were in a good place in our marriage and in life. Jehovah had blessed us at 35 with our first son. No fertility treatments, even though those vitamins had our loins on fleek. LOL! No stress. No in vitro. Just love. We celebrated 8 years of marriage this year and pray for a healthy baby boy to be born in April 2016. God is good.

Dating - Five Things You're Doing Wrong

Most women dream of meeting their soul mate, dating, getting married, and living happily ever after. These dreams come crashing down for a multitude of reasons. Are you having trouble in the relationship department? What is it that you could be doing wrong? A book called The Rules outlines the do's and dont's of dating for women. Here is a summary.

1. You attract who you are.
Work on yourself before you worry about getting a boyfriend. If you don't like who you are attracting, try making some improvements in your own life. A mate does not complete you, he compliments you. Make sure you are happy with yourself and you will attract an AWESOME man who is perfect for you. Keyword is "ATTRACT", not find. The bible says it best, The one who finds a good wife has found something good, And he receives Jehovah's favor. Proverbs 18:22 God did not instruct women to search for a husband. Make yourself accessible but let him find you.
2. Do NOT call first.
A man who insists on giving you his number and is not begging for yours is not that interested in you. Men are competitive. When a man wants a woman, he will go after her. Do not call a man who offers you his business card unless it's for business purposes. If you exchange numbers, wait for him to call you. Don't worry. He will call when he is ready.
3. He must make plans for you.
Do not accept last-minute date invitations. He must schedule his time with you at LEAST 3 days in advance. Remember, you are busy being great and your calendar fills quickly. If he doesn't adjust after 3 failed attempts, he is not that interested. When he finally gets on your calendar, let him plan the date. Your job is to show up, look pretty and enjoy his company. You should not worry about where you all are going and what you will be doing.
4. Do not accept mediocre treatment.
The treatment we accept dictates how people treat us. Make your standards clear. Men do not read between the lines. His efforts must match his promises. Trust your instincts. If something does not seem right, it probably isn't. Do not have sex until you are in a committed relationship. Having sex too soon can cloud your judgement and possibly make you irrational.On the other end of the spectrum, if you see that a man has gone through great lengths to do something for you, do not knock his efforts. Acknowledge them and nicely offer suggestions.
5. Practice dating.
You don't get good at anything until you practice. Go out with any guy who asks properly, even if you are not attracted to him. You never know if he is a great catch until you get to know him. You should keep your options open. And practice makes perfect. Practice dating so that when you meet "The One", you will not make rookie mistakes.

If you are single and dating. Have fun! Still go out with your girlfriends and family, travel, and become even greater than you already are. Enjoy life as a single woman. Marriage is a beautiful thing but it comes with other troubles. Every guy you go out with is not your future husband. Don't get attached too quickly.Watch what he does and not what he says.

Fancy Free, LLC. is a lifestyle company. We offer plans that help with personal development while earning residual income. Contact us at (410)929-0302 for your free consultation.

Fancy Dating

I have been off of the market for a while now. Almost 12 years with the same guy. Seven years married. Prior to dating my husband, I had a steady boyfriend right out of high school and was with him most of my four years of college. I was engaged to him, but I had a come to Jesus meeting with myself and Jesus where He and I decided that there was something way better out there for me. So I broke it off and was single. Needless to say, I didn't get much dating experience during the time in my life when I should have. I was back in school after the break up, so I wasn't really pressed to have another boyfriend just yet but I'm cute so I was "talking" to a couple of guys. When I was telling one of my really good girlfriends about how aggravating boys were, she recommended that I read a book called The Rules. So, I did and it gave me some better dating guidelines and tips to adhere to. I'm going to summarize a few of them for you and add my "Fancy" twist but you should still read the book for yourself.

The 5Linx of Fancy Dating

1. You attract who you are.
If you are wondering why you keep attracting the same kind of guy. Take a look in the mirror, sistah. It's you. Leeches can smell the desperation through your perfume. Jerks can detect your low self esteem a mile a way. While an upwardly mobile man sees that you're a boss or at least a boss in the making by the way you walk in a room. The leech and the jerk may try a boss chick, but they will soon find out that they don't stand a chance. Long story short, work on yourself before you worry about getting a boyfriend. A mate does not complete you, he compliments you. Together you will conquer the world. Get your degree. Start your business. Lose those last 5 pounds. Go on a girl's trip. Just do whatever you have to do to be happy with yourself and you will attract an AWESOME man that is perfect for you and will encourage you to continue on your journey to success and happiness. Keyword is "ATTRACT", not find. The bible says it best, The one who finds a good wife has found something good, And he receives Jehovah’s favor. Proverbs 18:22 Notice that God did not instruct women to go out and search for a husband. Make yourself accessible but let him find you.

2. I don't call boys.
I quickly learned that a man who insists on giving you his number and is not begging for yours is not down for the chase. Don't let them men fool you and tell you that they "don't chase" women. Men are competitive. They LOVE the chase. They chase dreams and aspirations. They chase money. And when they see a woman they want, they chase that woman. Now, I did not say play games with him. Just let him pursue you. Do not call a man who offers you his business card unless it's for business purposes. If you exchange numbers, wait for him to call you. As you develop feelings and agree to a committed relationship, make sure you are calling him and making sure he knows that he got his prize.

3. He must make plans for you.
That means, under no circumstances do you accept last minute date invitations. He must schedule his time with you at LEAST 3 days in advance. Remember, you are busy being great and your calendar books up quickly. You are NOT sitting at home waiting for Prince Charming to ask you on a date. And even if you are sitting at home staring at the walls, he doesn't know that. You had plans. You planned to veg out on the couch that evening. LOL! If he doesn't get it after 3 attempts, he ain't the one. If he does get it and finally schedules time with you. Let him plan the date. Your job is to show up, look pretty and enjoy his company. You should not be worrying your pretty little head about where you all are going and what you will be doing.

4. Do not accept mediocre treatment.
We get treated based on what we accept. Make your standards clear without being a "mean girl". Men do not read between the lines. You must make things very clear to them which can be done without shattering their egos. His efforts must match his promises and words. Slick talk can keep on walking. Trust your instincts. If something seems fishy, it probably is. And most importantly, do not smash on the first date. Keep your legs closed until you are married.....or at least until you're sure about your feelings. Having sex prematurely can cloud your judgement, make him judge you and make you irrational if he puts it down but he ain't the one. On the other end of the spectrum, if you see that a man has gone through great lengths to do something for you, do not knock his efforts. Acknowledge them and offer suggestions in a loving way.

5. You must practice dating.
When I was single, I gave my number to any guy who asked because I know it takes a lot of courage to do that. No one likes rejection. I didn't have to be attracted to him or think he could potentially be my boyfriend. I did that for a few reasons. You never know the gem you'll get when you peel back the layers. But that takes time. You always have to give yourself options. Out of those men I gave my number to, I went on dates with the ones who asked me out properly, even when I wasn't interested. Of course there were a few that I wished had asked me out. But they didn't. So where dey at now? Finally, I needed to practice all the rules I learned so that when I did finally start dating "The One", I would know how to act. You don't get good at anything until you practice. So, I did just that. Went on some decent dates, some horrible dates, and even some good ones. I learned things about myself. I learned what works with men and what doesn't. I was able to be more clear about what I wanted in a relationship all before I started dating the guy that would become my husband.

If you are single and dating. Have fun! Still go out with your girlfriends and family, travel, and become even greater than you already are. Enjoy life. Trust me. Marriage is a beautiful thing but it comes with a whole 'nother set of troubles. Every guy you go out with is not your future husband. Don't get attached too quickly and watch what he does, not what he says. Some of these guys are slicksters and sweet talkers. If those words aren't backed up by actions, keep it moving. Life is too short for boy drama. Especially when you're living the drama free Fancy life!!!

If you are looking for an environment that foster personal growth and development, contact me by texting WOODS to 55469 or click HERE to visit my website.