Rejoice! Once was lost....

My husband and I started dating while we were both in school. About 3 years in, we were talking about marriage. I made it clear to him that I did not need a ring to plan a wedding and that I was ok with just a wedding band when we did get married. I did not want to start our marriage in debt, considering he would only be working for a few months before we got married. However, my husband is a man. Men have pride. An engagement ring is a kind of ego boost for a man. He chased and caught me. I was his prize. He needed to claim it with a ring. His response to my fiscally responsible plan was "I am Ashanti Woods. My fiancee WILL have a ring." Ok, dear. Whatever.

He researched. Learned about diamonds and found a way to buy me a beautiful high quality diamond engagement ring. The very next thing he told me after I said yes was "I'm going to get you something bigger when I finish residency." (Lawd. I'm tearing up as I write this.)

Push Gift

Well, residency came and went. We had marital problems. He wasn't sure I deserved an upgrade. I wasn't sure we would stay married. We worked on us. We fixed it. We bought our dream home knowing it was a money pit. We started a family. I was really swollen during pregnancy. So swollen that we had to pry that ring off of my swollen pregnant fingers. Literally, with olive oil, ice and dental floss. The ring he had sacrificed to buy me, with no job, went into the original box and locked into our safe.

Mother's Day Gift

We joked about me not wanting to look like a single mother without a wedding ring while pregnant. He bought me a push gift. A beautiful gemstone set. I LOVE that ring. THEN, I almost died during delivery (Click HERE to read about that). He bought me another beautiful set for Mother's Day. I LOVE that ring too. Now, here I am with wedding set options and I was still wanting to wear my original set. I know. #FirstWorldProblems. I'd try it on every now and then but my fingers never went all the way down after having my son. My original rings were now too small and needed to be sized up. My husband wanted me to just do it all at once, upgrade the stone and get the rings sized but quitting my job to pursue full-time entrepreneurship pushed that plan a little further off into the future.

After having a good month in sales, I took my set to the jeweler to get sized. I was so happy when I picked it up. It was sparkly and shining like the first day I got it. I wanted to preserve the "fresh from the jeweler" sparkle, so I didn't wear it everyday. When we went on vacation, I decided to wear my push gift ring instead because I'd be devastated if something happened to my original set.

While on vacation, I lost one of my super small studs in the grass. But I found it. My husband kept asking me how I found it. I shrugged. We laughed. Went on about with our vacation fun. We had no idea that lost and found stud was foreshadowing. Jehovah was preparing us for the big lose.

One day in July, I decided to take my son to my girlfriend's house to swim. I put on my beloved original wedding ring set, packed up the kid and start driving. Halfway to her house, I look down and see it. Or don't see it. Either way. My heart dropped. The center stone was missing. I didn't panic. I knew that it was somewhere in the house or the car. I get to my girlfriends house. I search the car. We stay for a few minutes. I go home. I search the alley, garage, back yard. We scour the house. I tell the housekeeper to leave the vacuum contents for me to sift through. Nothing. That was July.

No Center Stone 

Unfortunately, I never added my ring, or any other valuable for that matter, to our insurance policy, so, after the deductible, I'd only have $500 to shop for a new diamond if I made a claim. Not worth it. But we were not worried. Sad. But not worried. We remembered that night in the Dominican Republic when I found my stud in the grass and knew that Jehovah wanted us to be at ease. It would show up.

This year makes 10 years of marriage for us. The first six year's were rocky. So we planned on having a small vow renewal in Las Vegas to celebrate us making it to this milestone. We only invited close friends who know what we've overcome. My husband and I haven't talked about my ring but I knew it was in the back of his mind. Things have been tight since I became a full time entrepreneur. We aren't sure we can afford the renewal but we are at a phase in our lives where experiences mean more than things. Not being able to upgrade my ring is no big deal but not having a ring at all.... *phew* It's now November. I lost my stone in July. With the renewal less than a month away, the ring was coming to ring forefront of my mind but I won't dare mention it.

Friday, I was in the alley, struggling with trying to attach my son's carseat base in my car. I never do it in the alley. I always do it in the garage. But my car had been in the shop, so my mother in law's car that I'd been driving was in the garage. I was struggling really bad this time. More than usual. Took off my watch and rings to get in to it. Was twisting and changing angles when I see a little twinkle coming from the seam of the carseat. I stepped back. Looked again. The sun was hitting it at the right angle. It was my diamond!

It's a big deal to me.

Hallelujah!! I hollered. Tears came to my eyes. Unbelievable! All this time. It was right there. I tried to grab it and it fell into the depths of my car's door trim. Riddled with wires and snaps. I started pulling it apart but I was running late to get the kid from daycare.

First call. My husband. Best news all month. Made his day. Took the car to my father. He pulls the seat and door trim apart. Viola! Diamond in hand. Won't He do it! All praises. Jehovah always delivers. Now we're so happy to have that original diamond. Smaller than the diamond my husband wants me to have but it means soooo much more to us now that we found it after thinking it may have been lost forever.

Moral: Jehovah be mentally preparing you for things to come and youoneemknowit. Appreciate what you have. If it's taken away, you will be sad. Allow the sadness but have faith that Jehovah will restore it when the time is right.

I'm sure there are some other lessons that I needed to learn from this. I'll let y'all know after I meditate on it for a little while longer. Until then, pray and have faith. Everything is going to be alright. Everything you lost will be restored.

Dating in 2017

 Now, I preface this blog by saying that I have no idea what it's like to date for a potential mate. I know what it's like to date my husband but not the whole meet someone new, get to know them, spend time with them, so on and so forth. But I will say that it is possible to meet someone in 2017, date, fall in love and get married. Why? Well, because I see so many women getting engaged and married in 2017. Proof is in the pudding, right?

Now, what you are about to read might hurt your feelings but it needs to be said. Your grandmother told you. Your mama prolly tells you. And here I am, Fancy, telling you. Get your shit together and you will attract a good man that is right for you. And, no, I'm not talking about your degrees, credit, home ownership, retirement plan. I mean, you need that to be together too but I'm talking about your shit in between your head. All that baggage you're carrying around between your ears. Get that together. Make self care your first priority because if you aren't all the way together, you will attract someone who will take advantage of you. Plus, you don't want to be bringing a mess into a relationship anyway.

How do you get your shit together? GO TO THERAPY!!! Figure out where your trust issues come from and fix it. Figure out why you're so defensive and can never be wrong, then fix it. Figure out why you're a pushover even when you know you're being taken advantage of....and fix it. If you don't have any of the above issues, I'm sure you will discover something to work on when you GO TO THERAPY!

Trust me. I want you to win. I want you to be happy. I want to you have the desires of your heart. You cannot do that if you don't concur yourself. I started going to talk to a therapist in 2013 when my husband asked me why I was so "cold". At first I was defensive. Then I told him I didn't know. Then I started crying. Then I found a therapist. LOL! Therapy is going to be tough at first but then it gets easier as you fix your issues and learn healthy ways to adjust in life. I did and all of my relationships improved. 

Once you get yourself together, you'll be able to pinpoint exactly what you want in a romantic relationship. As with anything, if you don't know exactly what you want, you're will be an easy sell on pretty much anything. And by anything, I mean the man you keep dating that aren't right for you and won't do right by you. Make a list. Be specific. Pray for that man. Pray and trust. Continue to worry about yourself. Jehovah will lead your man to you while you're out and about being great. Do not, I repeat, do NOT go seeking a man. Make yourself available, because, well, he can't find you if you're in the house, but do not seek him out. Men need to pursue. They are competitive by nature. They need to feel like they won the prize. You are the prize.

Now, when I was single, I did not have a problem getting a date or keeping a man. Here are some tips on what Fancy would do when she was single:

1. Never take a man's phone number. If he is REALLY interested, he will ask for a way to get in contact with you. If he offers his number, you may take it to be polite but do not call him. He ain't no good for you, girl. 
2. Make him plan for you. After all, you are very busy, like Nene, being great. If he does not call you at least 3 days in advance to take you out, you are unavailable. Period. "Awwww man. That sounds lovely but I already have something on my calendar that day." Even if it's binge watching House of Cards. You are VERY BUSY!
3. Practice dating. That means, any man who is respectful, shows interest and makes plans. Let him take you out. I repeat. LET HIM TAKE YOU OUT! You never know the kind of jewel he is. If it turns out that there just isn't any chemistry, you've practiced how to behave so you won't act a plum fool when you someone you actually like asks you on a date.
4. Listen with your mouth closed. Ask questions. Be interested. Don't talk so much. It makes you look self centered. 
5. Have realistic expectations. No man is perfect. If he passes you're "non-negotiables" test, let him live. Once you're in a relationship, love him for who he is. Do not beat him up for who he is not. Let's face it, you aren't perfect either. We are all a work in progress.

My husband and I have been together since 2003. We have grown up together. We have matured together. This relationship thang ain't easy but we make it work because we love each other. However, if something should happen to him and I decided to date again. I would take my own advice. It worked to get him and it worked to keep him. 

Fancy and Husband
Photo Credit: Kyle Pompey

When The Time Is Right

I'm writing this for women who feel like it will never happen for them. When the time is right. It will happen. Work on your relationship. Work on yourself. Exercise. Eat right. Take your vitamins. Pray. Don't stress. Jehovah knows what's best.

My husband and I got married in 2007 after 4 years of dating. In retrospect, we were young and dumb. He was still in residency, I was still in school but we both knew that we were made for each other. The first four years of our marriage were TOUGH! Mostly due to selfishness and immaturity on both parts. What people don't tell you about getting married is that you don't automatically think like a wife or a husband right after you say "I do". There's no switch. You have to grow into those roles.
We had essentially been in a long distance relationship the entire 4 years that we dated. Even though DC and Baltimore aren't that far from each other, with his school schedule and my work and school schedule, the weekends or every other weekend was when we spent time together. The rest of the time was spent talking on the phone. No Facetime back then. LOL! Sometimes we went as long as 6 weeks with out actually seeing each other. Absence makes the heart grow fonder but you also don't realize how annoying someone can be when you aren't around them all the time.

My Role

I was I-N-D-E-P-E-D-E-N-T. I had purchased my home and maybe one investment property. I had a car. I was making decent money. I lived alone. I was used to coming and going as I pleased because I had no one to be accountable to. I liked things a certain way. The right
way. My way. I was brash and bossy. I was a caretaker. I did everything and did not expect him to help out around the house because he was working 80-100 hours per week. I handle all of his "business" without him asking for help. I did not allow any negative consequences so that he could figure stuff out on his own and learn.

His Role

He was "focused" on his career, which meant quality time with me was often neglected. If it came down to spending time with me doing something he didn't necessarily want to do or work/sleeping for work or softball, he had a habit of choosing something other than me. He did not offer to help me out around the house because usually it was taken care of. He ignored me when I fussed.

Delay In Kids

We never put our marital problems on blast. EVER! We worked on them in private. I'd joke when people asked me when we were gonna start a family and say "We gotta figure out if we like each other enough before we do alladat." or "With all these advances in medicine, I got until a smooth 40 before pregnancy becomes an issue. I got trips to take."
But the reality was, we had some things to work through before we jumped into adding even more stress, like a crying infant. LOL! We had to get our finances in order. People assume because you're in a certain tax bracket or have a certain career that your money is right. No. We had to learn to set a budget and stick to it. I had my way of doing things and he never had any financial responsibility. He had been in school from age 6 to 26. We had to learn how to communicate with each other. We had to perfect our roles on the team. He learned to do laundry and dishes. I folded, dried and put them away. We budgeted in a housekeeper for all the other things. I went to the grocery store. He carried bags and put groceries away. I handled the bills and communicated where we were. He made sure I had access to everything I needed. Most importantly, we went to marriage counseling. I'm not talking about going to sit with our pastor at church or a marriage ministry bible study, not that there is anything wrong with that. But we needed something a little more candid. I'm talking about a certified therapist, who gave us assignments and helped us really hear each other. Our therapist gave us a book to read that really helped us understand each other better, Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix, with the work book.
Once we went to therapy together, we were able to get to the root of "why" instead of focusing on the "what". Things were moving in the right direction but it still wasn't enough. Both of us had to do some work on ourselves, so still, to this day, we have regular individual therapy sessions. We have grown leaps and bounds....together. Once our communication improved, everything else improved. EVERYTHING.
We got our money right.  We traveled. We bought dumb stuff. Had regrets. We were finally able to got into our groove late into year 6.

The Plunge

Our marriage was on track. We had checked everything off of our bucket list from our 20s. We were in good places in our careers. We decided that we'd start trying for a baby in August 2015. August was ideal because we had a few trips in the summer and we wanted to be able to drink and do excursions. LOL! Although we are both healthy, it was still in the back of our minds that we were 35 years old and that we may encounter some difficulties getting pregnant now that we'd "done it right". You know, finished school, advanced our careers, traveled, enjoyed marriage, and THEN started a family.
We were both taking our vitamins, working out, eating right and so in July, we counted 14 days from the first day of my cycle and set the date to begin trying, August 1. At least twice a day, every other day for 7 days. We had fun. No stress.
I had some of my closest friends in town to celebrate my anniversary of birth, August 24, for the weekend.
Lots of food, fun, and sun. AND libations. Then it hit me, my period was supposed to come. So I took a test before they left. That thang turned positive within 30 seconds. I showed my husband. He high fived me, like I was a softball teammates. LOL! We had done it. The time was right. We were in a good place in our marriage and in life. Jehovah had blessed us at 35 with our first son. No fertility treatments, even though those vitamins had our loins on fleek. LOL! No stress. No in vitro. Just love. We celebrated 8 years of marriage this year and pray for a healthy baby boy to be born in April 2016. God is good.

Husbands Need Wives

How does the saying go? "Behind every good man is an even greater woman." Some feminists may say it should read "beside" instead of "behind". To me, it doesn't matter because marriage is a partnership, the "Ultimate Merger". A woman can be beside, behind, in front of....where ever she is, please believe she is "ghost bossing" her husband's life. Whether it is picking out his clothes, managing his money, nudging him in the direction of better opportunity, or even running his household, she is there. Women are natural nurturers and can nurture the most successful man to even greater heights.

5Linx Explaining Why Men Thrive in Marriage

1. Keeping house.
Yes. There are plenty of men who cook and clean but, let's face it, there aren't many. I'm not saying husbands shouldn't share in household duties or chores. I'm saying that it takes a woman to point out where he could use improvement in these areas. i.e. Cleaning the kitchen versus washing dishes. I have had to explain the difference to my own husband. LOL!

2. Caring for children.

Not to discredit fathers but there is nothing like a mother's love. Mothers literally risk their lives giving birth. No one, besides Jehovah, can say they've done more for you than that. Men need wives to bare the children and help nurture them. Even if it were biologically possible, I don't think men could deal with the discomfort and pain of giving birth. I'm just saying....

3. Replacement mama.
The male ego is fragile. Mothers play an important role in molding their sons, building confidence by accolades and applause. Fathers usually help mold their sons with discipline. When a man leaves his mother and cleaves to his wife, he will be looking to his wife for those same accolades. Whether it's for his lackluster attempt at doing laundry or pulling off the deal of the century with his company, men need their wives to cheer them on just as their mothers did.

4. Organization.
Men typically are not organized, at all. Unless it is related to sports or some hobby they have, they usually do not prepare in advance for anything. Be it a party, food for the week, how to stack the tupperware or a vacation. Men have a tendency to not think about upcoming activities until stuff hits the fan. Then they scramble. Wives are there to put events on their husband's calendar, so they know where they have to be and what time they have to be there. Wives know how much money they will have to put aside for the vacation the husband wanted to take. Wives make sure to purchase extra drinks and hors d'oeuvres and rent extra chairs when they see that the husband has invited an extra 50 people to the party they're having.

5. Reality check.
Just like mothers tell their sons that they are doing a great job, they also tell their sons when they need to do
better. Wives do the same thing. We all have tendencies to get comfortable, it is up to wives to give husbands a quick reality check when they're slacking. Be it in the bedroom, with chores or the boardroom. Jay-Z said it best, "Blue told me to remind you..." along with Bey. We gotta remind deez husbands that we ain't marry no slacker. Get out here in deez streets and make moves. LOL!

Whatever you give a woman, she will multiply and make it better. I am so thankful that I have a loving relationship with my mother-in-law. Her son, my husband, is a great catch but she gladly tells people that I got her son together. A special thank you to all the parents for raising great men who turn into husbands. Another thank you to all the mothers who know when it's time to turn their son over to a wife so that she can help him grow into an even greater man.

We are in the business of helping man and woman alike to become great. Contact us at www.fancyfreellc.com 

Things No One Tells You About Being Married

So, you've found THAT guy. He rocks your world, treats you like a queen, and exemplifies everything you THINK you want in a man and a husband. He sets up the most romantic proposal you've ever heard of. Your wedding was a fairytale. You were a good girl, so upon returning from your Caribbean honeymoon you FINALLY move in together. Then, it hits the wall. What do I mean "hit the wall"? The honeymoon comes to a screeching halt because of things you had no idea would bother you. Let me point them out:

1. The accumulation of pubic hairs in the bathroom will not bother him, while it totally grosses you out.

2. He won't understand why you have to make the bed when you're just gonna get back in it.

3. No matter what they say, he expects you to cook and clean even though you have to go to work too.

4. No matter how long he's lived on his own, he does NOT keep house the way you do.

5. He doesn't understand why things should be put away because it's easier to find it when it's in the floor.

6. You will argue about money. How you spend it, how he spends it, a budget if you're low on it, what to do with the extra....on and on and on.

7. You will argue about sex. What turns you on and off. He'll, almost inevitably, say that you aren't having it enough and complain about your scarf and night clothes.

8. Related to #6, figuring how WHO will manage the bills and how to manage the bills will be a nuisance.

9. His video game playing habits, while once cute, will really annoy you. Especially, when you are trying to get his attention or want to have a serious talk.

10. What's important to you is not necessarily a priority to him.
This list could go on and on, depending on you and your spouse. No relationship is perfect but it can be perfect for you if you learn how to deal with your spouse's quirks. It will take time. You WILL argue but be patient and make sure you are communicating with each other. Your marriage is what you make it. Enjoy!